He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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