I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
