What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
