I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
