I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
