mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
