my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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