how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
