At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
