1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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