I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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