Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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