11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize