I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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