Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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