Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
