I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
