Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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