There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
