It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize