A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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