Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
