You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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