the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize