Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
