My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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