Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
false alarm. still invincible.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
