I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
