but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
