I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize