try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
