he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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