If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize