Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just pee around me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
