I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
