Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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