I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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