U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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