yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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