I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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