now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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