Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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