Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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