I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
