If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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