I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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