He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
