i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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