U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
