I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
