Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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