The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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