i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
