I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
