the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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