I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
then he tried to convert me to islam
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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