I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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