grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just threw up on my dentist
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
