she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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