my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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