Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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