I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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