I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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