Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
