so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
