I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
