i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
